the four right chords can make me cry

He Knew What Was in Man
Oswald Chambers

There is a sentimental notion that makes us make ourselves out worse than we think we are, because we have a lurking suspicion that if we make ourselves out amazingly bad, someone will say, "Oh no, you are not as bad as that"; but Jesus says we are worse. Our Lord never trusted any man, "for He knew what as in man"; but He was not a cynic for He had the profoundest confidence in what He could do for every man; consequently, He was never in a moral or intellectual panic, as we are, because we will put our confidence in man and in the things that Jesus put no confidence in. Paul says, "Don't glory in men; don't say, I am of Paul, or I am of Apollos, and don't think of yourself more highly than you ought to think, but think according to the measure of faith, that is, according to what the grace of God has done in you." Never trust (in the fundamental meaning of the word) any other saving Jesus Christ. That will mean you will never be unkind to anybody on the face of the earth, whether it be a degraded criminal or an upright moral man, because you have learned that the only thing to depend on in a man is what God has done in him. When you come to work for Jesus Christ, always ask yourself, "Do I believe Jesus Christ can do anything for that case?" Am I as confident in His power as He is in His own? If you deal with people without any faith in Jesus Christ it will crush the very life out of you. If we believe in Jesus Christ, we can face every problem the world holds.

Spiritual truth that I am struggling to make reality in my life.
Like i was saying to timo that day, about the equality of all Man. that principle is what makes me go volunteer with the patients. Like what sister mary said, about them still being human beings and deserving dignity, which got me thinking about the concept of "deserving". Who deserves what? What is justice? As bad as i make myself out to be, I'm actually worse. There are so many things i won't admit to, trying to rationalise it away. But can't hide it from God. It's like what I was reading in that book about quiet time: we are at once drawn to God and running away from God. as human beings we long and desire to be with God, to be restored, although this may be supressed or manifest itself through chasing other things which we hope will satisfy. but at the same time we do not want to face God, because doing so would be to confront our sins, what we hate most and will not admit about ourselves.

Psalm 139: 1-12
1 O LORD , you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD .

5 You hem me in-behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

Double standards. From childhood we are taught that the world operates on this binary system: good or bad. fail or pass. zero or one. (heh, i learnt about binary code in school). And we think it applies to people too. Good person, Bad person, Good friend, Lousy friend. Good people we treat well, bad people don't deserve to be treated well, so we revile them. But there is only one standard, and by that standard, everyone is bad. If it were not for grace, that would make things far too depressing to continue living for. (which is why, when I was younger, I mistook cynicism for clarity.) But even though I know this and affirm it as truth, I still struggle to live it out, i still catergorise people into good or bad by force of habit, I still am unkind to those whom I dislike. But i am trying.

Communicating.
Amanda: hey tell me how phuket was! you lucky girl, get to go on fabulous holidays all the time!
Serene: how did the competition go? i really wish i went... cos it turns out i wasn't really very helpful at the bbq.
V: how much are the tix again? didn't see you today, when do I pay you?

posted by beckyboo @ 3:14 AM 0 comments

PH1101N
A concise summary of the history of political and philosophical thought

Taught by: Nick (who brought you: "If all the world's a stage and we are all players, mine's a musical!")

niccolo machiavelli->thomas hobbes->john locke->adam smith (econs n capitalism)

locke/montesqueiu->the federalist papers (james madison n the framers of the constitution)-> american constitution

and finally, locke->rousseau->nietzsche(god is dead) / marx(communism)

nietzsche/kierkegaard->husserl->heidegger-> satre/derrida/focault/existenitalist thinkers

who says you can't learn anything from msn?

posted by beckyboo @ 1:17 AM 2 comments

• ok, you got me. you called my bluff. it's true.
• grinning gecko cafe is a nice place to stone and not think. I was able to completely switch off my brain, sitting there eating lunch by myself. A good respite from all the thinking.
• i make people uncomfortable, with my quietness. I wish I didn't, but i do. I seldom talk to other people these days. I'm awkward at conversation, so i'd much rather remain silent, much easier for me. but it freaks people out.
• he made me think about the people in my past, he made me think about my past.
• where am I going?
• I am rather sucky at captain's ball. of all days to forget to bring my water bottle.

posted by beckyboo @ 9:35 PM 3 comments

drop the bombshell. things never end like in the movies.
a torrent of thoughts over the past few days.
a bout of diarrhea too, while we're at it.
i'm so two-faced sometimes, i HATE myself.

min will be in thailand! wistful sigh... that's where i really want to be right now. to feel the wooden floor boards so smooth under my feet again. to sit with the family on the little porch in the mornings, soaking up the morning sun, basking and snoozing on each other. trying to cook meals with my hilarious housemates. washing our unmentionables: me and min hiding stuff from the guys and the guys hiding stuff from us. going to the market early in the morning, frosty air nipping your face. our mae, hostess with the mostess. the night sky, inky black-blue, still and crisp, the stars out on parade. the wonderful wonderful people of makheaujae, with their vibrancy and energy (think neung, crazy boy with wig)! the dashing chan. Free-spirited wit and how i agree so much with him that the mountains are really truly "lomantic", in his words. Hiking, hopping about on the rocks as though i were born to live in the forest, feeling so strangely at home, akin, to the mountains; it was like returning to a home i once knew in a distant, hazy memory. som tum and shopping. singing songs in the freezing cold, defiantly defying the whipping winds. phayao lake in all it's beauty, unfurling a spread of colours each day, no two performances ever the same. riding on the back of a bicycle around our village, breathing in the fresh air, the flowers, like our youth, like our time together; so bright, so stunningly transient.

posted by beckyboo @ 12:16 AM 0 comments

Hooray for coeloms!

A body cavity has many functions. Its fluid cushions the suspended organs, helping to prevent internal injury. In soft-bodied coelomates such as earthworms, the noncompressible fluid of the body cavity is under pressure and functions as a hydrostatic skeleton against which the muscles can work. The cavity also enables the internal organs to grow and move independently of the outer body wall. If it were not for you coelom, every beat of your heart or ripple of your intestine could deform your body surface, and exercise would distort the shapes of the internal organs.

cool.

Had me a rather nice day today =)
watched Return to Pontianak for SS module today. Ack, lousy show. But quite fun, a nice change from lecture i suppose. Other highlights include meeting old friends, and making a new friend, Gail. And talking to Dr Don at the bus stop! Yay, I like Dr Don =) I said I would take his biosemiotics class when he offers it, and I mean to! Met Weishieng at the bus stop too. Hmm today seems to be a day of bus stops.
Had reunion dinner with dad's side. It's alright, MUCH better than the awkwardness of dinner with mum's side. Granny seems to be getting better, yay =) on a separate note: I like yusheng.
Thanks jia quan for returning the file. You are a seriously nice dude! Don't let people take advantage of that though. Too bad I didnt get to see you and say hi, hope that you're doing well?
I miss class eleven...
I miss my housemates... It was SO nice to meet min that day, she even gave me a hug! *HUG* I needed a hug! I need one now too, come to think of it. I miss tim and yingkit's 'arguing'. I miss cycling around with tim. I even miss yingkit's "manchu-isms". LOL.
that tim, it's impossible to meet him even just to pass him a cd. ok granted that he's in law which a bit separated from everything else, but we're still on the same campus!
Busy week ahead! Days are fully booked. Friday is even triple booked! Project meeting, interview with Qibin, AND usp production meeting! All at the same time! AND i'm still going down to the PCC in the morning. Hmm... how am I gonna sort friday out?

posted by beckyboo @ 10:59 PM 0 comments

You Are Milk Pocky

Your attitude: caring and charmingSmooth and silkly... invigorating and natural.You are like comfort food for the soul.

I am MILKY POCKY!!! Cower in fear before me!!! *ROAR*

posted by beckyboo @ 12:42 AM 0 comments

serendipity: saw the suave speedy sinhalese in the arts canteen again today! It would appear that we have the same lunch break on mondays.

hyperoverabundance: my brother eating 1kg of bak kwa by himself. and then complaining about feeling sick the next day while eating pineapple tarts.

argh: spilling coffee on my skirt before the first class of the day. wunderbar.

reading: Duelling idiots and other probability puzzlers. who knew stats could be quite so interesting?

posted by beckyboo @ 8:50 PM 0 comments

It's amazing the clarity that comes with psychotic jealousy.

a hug and a handshake to the person who can tell me where this line came from.

posted by beckyboo @ 1:08 AM 2 comments

what a friday

-:morning:-
i hate public transport and being lost.
are you coming back again? a sign that it makes a difference.
sharing from her heart, a glimpse into her soul. my admiration, my sympathies.
a smile and a head of flaming red hair.
rememberance & missing and a word of advice.

-:afternoon:-
disjoint; voyagers from a distant land so out of place. i gawk.
i still hate public transport.
frenzied substandard production amidst milo and meetings.
strange, both the look in her eyes i noticed and her subsequent copying.
regret that our vis-a-vis is so fleeting.
his true colours shine through once more. i inwardly recoil.
a scolding, tired voice and my guilty conscience.
do not, under any circumstances, look into the creature's eyes. for it makes you feel like you're the only person on earth.

-:evening:-
travelweary despite the aircon.
a wizened astral palm reader makes her appearance and dispenses words of agewisdom.
inexplicable joy brings forth atonal attempts at expression.
sleep steals, abruptly. many hours. strange bedfellows.

posted by beckyboo @ 2:19 PM 0 comments

It's interesting how life goes on, no matter what. I hear people talking about what they're going to wear to a dinner party and I think how nice it must be to worry about things like that. So many out there struggle just to get through the day and wonder if they're going to live to see the next day. People take so much for granted. I don't do that anymore. Little things matter, not big ones - like fresh air, the trees budding, sitting ourside, or getting in the car and going for a ride. I treasure all of that now in a way that I never did before.
I'm not giving up hope. At first I kept saying I was dying of AIDS, but for the past three years, I've said I'm living with AIDS.

posted by beckyboo @ 1:11 AM 0 comments

He is struggling and being sucked down. I want to help him, but he'd rather drown.

posted by beckyboo @ 2:16 AM 0 comments